The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize