i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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