There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
