I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
