I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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