btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
