In the future we'll all be gay
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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