omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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