I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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