I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
