i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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