Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
