Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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