God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
