thus making me awesome and them whores
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
