i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This is my gift to your gina
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
