i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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