This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
