so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
whose parrot is this?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
