I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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