I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
