i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
