Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
