I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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