It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
