I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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