Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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