fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
