he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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