Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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