i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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