Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize