So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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