..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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