When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
