morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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