and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
