new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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