She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
