her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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