Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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