Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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