My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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