were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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