So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Randomize