Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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