is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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