new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
