Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
