1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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