i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
NoShamevember. You game?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Randomize
