Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
