I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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