Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
