Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
