Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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