South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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