can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
