We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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