decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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