You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
