I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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